Growth vs Fixed Mindset

I mentioned that I would write a post about "the weight of other's expectations." But what I really meant was that I would write a post about the fate of GT (gifted and talented program) kids from the 90s- and why we're all depressed, have anxiety (or late diagnosed ADHD, or whatever your particular constellation of mental disorders happen to be.) I often joke that as a child I was a regular Doogie Howser, M.D. There's a meme that says- going as Former Gifted Child for Halloween, and the whole costume is just gonna be people asking- "What are you supposed to be?" And me saying- "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

So the real question is- what happened to all of us!? Well, we're either doctors or burned-out disappointments, there's no in-between. When did things go awry? (Not that there's anything wrong with a career as a flight attendant- it's a perfectly respectable job that merely requires a high school diploma.) But when exactly did my big brain just shrivel up and die- never to accomplish any of the great tasks expected of me? My third grade teacher told my mom I was going to graduate as valedictorian (and that didn't happen- so this shit was already going awry by high school, clearly.) My friends who signed my high school yearbook expected to "see me performing on Broadway."

The Ick

So when did Christianity first give me "the ick?" And why am I such a hater that if I hear you say something about- "our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ," I start to cringe inwardly? I can probably track the exact moment, if I squint hard enough. As I mentioned before, Catholicism was always a struggle for me, and they were the original Christians. But Catholics aren't "Christians," if you catch my drift. Not the weird ones. Not the ones who made me pray around the flag pole my sophomore year of high school. Let me set that scene for you. I was innocently trying to make my way to my 0-hour typing class, (at the very UNgodly hour of 7am,) when I was accosted.

"Hey Colleen! HEY! Stand here with us. Something really cool is about to happen." (Observe how they wouldn't just TELL me what was going to happen, they had to spring it on me, like a trap. It was giving Hun-trying-to-sneak-a-pyramid-scheme-past-me-energy.)

I 100% would've blown them off, too, and told them I had to get to class (cuz what cool thing could possibly be happening around a flag pole at 7am?) BUT they had weaponized my crush against me. This was my first gay crush (he was gay, not me) in a series of five, truly debilitating gay crushes that would carry on throughout my college career. (Obviously another topic for another blog post.) The first, (and definitely the most obvious.) However, as a sixteen year old in the 90s, he was neither out, nor had I yet to develop my razor sharp "gay-dar' which was going to need a LOT of honing apparently, but after all that I've been through, trust me, it is now finely HONED.

A Real Pain

Unsurprisingly, we never went to shul. That could be the name of our collective, family biography. Truly, it sums up the entirety of the Schwartz Jewish experience over the course of my married life. We just didn't quite manage to get our shit together. It was a crazy, busy June. There was Max's family reunion mid-month, and Lyra's dance trip to Disney World at the end of the month, which meant we were on vacation for nearly half of the month. (Can't complain about that!)

However, Max's family reunion DID provide some great Jewish learning opportunities for the family, as we were interfacing with the more devout side of Max's family- the East Coast Jews. We met a rabbi- who happened to be a long-lost cousin of Max's father, who we only discovered recently through ancestry.com. (There was an entire branch of the family unbeknownst to Ralph because apparently his mom just ran away from home and created an entirely new identity, then died without ever telling anyone her true background story...) So anyway, he's recently reunited with these cousins, and we got to meet the New Jersey contingent.

Outer Voice

This entire blog was originally (supposed to be) about "inner voice," so here's a post specifically about my outer voice. My voice teacher (the high school one with the good advice, not the abusive college one) gave me the opportunity to write this excerpt for her upcoming book, (am I a real writer, y'all?!) and I couldn't be more honored, so I'm posting what I wrote here as well- because it just ties in so perfectly with my blog. The prompt is about how voice lessons taught me to develop my actual voice (like, out in the world,) and how minority (women's) voices are often suppressed (or something like that.) I'm just going to write about some of my experiences honestly, and see what comes out.

Growing up, I loved to sing. Even better, I knew I COULD sing, because I got a lot of external validation. "You have a beautiful voice," they told me. (Ahh, external validation, that double-edged sword. I'm going to have to do a blog post just about that.) The problem with being told that- is all of a sudden, you start to pay attention to the voices around you- and you start to compare. You notice the beautiful ones, and you want your voice to sound like that. Because now you have expectations to fill, and you don't want to let anyone down! And you start to crave another hit of that sweet nectar- those compliments, that applause.

Attachment Theory

Let me first start out by saying that I love attachment theory! I believe that learning about this (somewhat) new science, and understanding my attachment style (and my husband's) has been a complete game changer. It also provided me with insight as to why my previous relationships didn't work out, why I wasn't compatible with certain partners, and what I could've done better. If you, like me, happen to not be the "ideal type" (aka secure,) it's okay! You can change your type! I went from being anxiously attached to securely attached, just by being with the right partner (a partner that was secure, and patient with me, and helped to move me in that direction.) Will I always have some anxious tendencies that can be triggered? Probably- as these are ingrained in us from childhood; how we were raised, and aren't our fault. BUT through awareness and diligent work, you CAN change your attachment style (which generally takes an average of four years to do.)

Colleen's League of Seven Evil Exes

I hope we all know this is a joke title- and a Scott Pilgrim reference. All of my exes are wonderful, lovely human beings; that taught me some hard lessons, without which, I would not be where I am today. And I take full responsibility for all of our break-ups, as the flawed human being that I am. Okay- enough of that bullshit- here's the tea. (No names, identities will be protected.)

Evil Ex #1- He was my first kiss! And my big entrance into high school society. The deed was done at "the super party," (a party determined to top all others?) It was a somewhat memorable affair, as it took place outside, in front of an audience. It gave the illusion of privacy, but there WAS, in fact, a large window where many partygoers had gathered to watch, (unbeknownst to me, anyway,) and they erupted into cheers when the kiss was complete. It makes sense that the whole thing was public from the start- since it was plotted by the collective. "Colleen likes you, do you like her? You should ask her out at the super party!" This relationship was "so high school" in all of the ways- including that it only lasted two weeks, and it's demise came about when one of my frenemies decided to break us up by telling him she still liked him, (although she had no intention of actually getting back together with him.) I was, understandably, devastated. Ramona also dated Matthew Patel, the first evil ex on her list, for just under two weeks, (and they also only kissed- ha ha) so it works.

How To Be Delulu

I briefly mentioned that I've been exploring a different modality every week. "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." You caught me! I don't actually know the definition of modality. But it's a fancy word, so I just keep saying it. I think it means an alternative healing method or technique? Regardless, the "modality" we're going to discover today is called "thought work."

Originated by Brooke Castillo, and The Life Coach School, (and inspired by what Byron Katie called "the work" in her 2003 book,"Loving What Is,") many coaches will charge you an arm and a leg for "the self coaching model," but luckily for you, my coach gives away tons of free content on her podcast! The model is based around the idea that all circumstances are neutral; but it's our thoughts about said circumstances that creates our feelings, which determines our actions, which creates the results we're seeing in our life. In short- if you don't like your life, or the way you feel about your life; change your thoughts about it. You have control over them.

Glimmers!

Y'all have heard of this concept of "glimmers," right? Honestly, it's kind-of new to me. (Have I been living under a rock?) Apparently, they've been around since 2018, (well, they've always been around, but the term was coined then, and the concept widely adopted.) They're the opposite of triggers. They're small moments that spark joy, which can help cue our nervous system to feel safe or calm. Experts say this mindset shift can make a positive impact on our mental health. The whole point of them is that they're tiny, micro moments of peace, instead of large, delight-filled productions. Because sometimes finding your bliss can be daunting. There are days when it's hard to be happy.

But if you train your brain to notice the mini moments; the beauty of the stars on a clear night, the position of your head as you bite into a taco, the way your kids have started to chase bunnies out of the garden beds to please your husband, the moment when you can't turn the car off until that awesome song finishes playing... (You catch my drift.) Once you start to notice them, it begets even more noticing... And if you really want to challenge yourself, you can try to make a point of not just noticing them, but remembering them throughout the day to record in a journal when you get home, and watch as your progress grows. Watch as your happiness, your observation skills, and your ability to slow down and smell the roses, grows.

Emotional Clearing Method

The term "emotional clearing" is fairly general, and I could be talking about any number of wonderful techniques to clear your emotions. Journaling, meditating, visualization, breath work, somatic therapy, etc. But when I talk about DOING emotional clearing, I'm specifically referring to what Dana Evans is teaching- which is the Emotional Clearing Method, aka ECM.

ECM is a combination of some of the above-mentioned practices, and focuses on creating a safe space for individuals to reconnect with their inner world, fostering deep emotional healing. (Dana literally describes getting comfortable and creating a "nest" to relax into. So it's a little different from traditional meditation, which sometimes utilizes rigid postures to keep you focused on your third eye or whatever.) It's described as a therapeutic approach that integrates mindfulness, somatic awareness, and energy work to resolve unresolved emotions. I would describe the actual process as a mixture of body scan meditation and guided visualization (if you can picture that- or perhaps that all sounded like a bunch of mumbo jumbo.) Maybe this explanation will help:

Bodhisattva

I may have mentioned that this month I was focusing on Buddhism, because (of all the religions) it interested me the most. I may also have mentioned that (per my project requirements, which I had set upon myself.) I was also required to read one book per religion each month.

Well, being my first month and all, I wanted to start small. (With a children's book I could buy at Target for 30% off, apparently.) "Big Panda and Tiny Dragon" by James Norbury (he has other books that I presume are equally as charming.) This book is a delight, and I highly recommend it! I recall reading "The Tao of Pooh," in high school, and would say this is comparable, except perhaps even easier, and more cute. It's the tale of two friends, following a winding path through the seasons of a year together. Their road often goes nowhere, they get lost a bunch, and they drink a lot of tea- but that's kind-of the point of Buddhism, isn't it? To never become so focused on the end result that you lose sight of the journey. To always be present in the moment (hence why meditation is such an important part of the practice.)

Let There Be Light!

To bring you up to speed to where I currently am religiously, I consider myself Jewish. When I met my husband, he was Jewish. I was not Jewish then. Also, we both were/are Atheists. I had dated an Orthodox Jew (now THAT’S a wild tale for another post- mostly because he was also a cage fighter into MMA) towards the end of college, so it wasn’t anything unfamiliar. (Is it bad to admit that I’m actually leery of dating Christians?) I’m not trying to be religionist, if that's a thing you can be while dating. But I'm not sure if it is? Inclusion is necessary, but when you’re sussing out who you’re going to marry, you want to be sure you’re on the same page, in all of the ways. I think for me, it’s more about what Christianity has come to represent in America; it’s become this hateful, political, evangelical thing. And if I see a reference to Jesus Christ on your dating profile- it’s NEXT! (But that’s for another blog post, and maybe I’ll be proven wrong throughout the course of this project!)

In The Beginning...

So just to re-cap; there's now a new-and-improved pink project 2.0. I decided since Ivy and I were besties already, and since the spirituality section of my “wheel of my life,” had gotten the lowest score, (3/10), it obviously needed the most attention. And so it was time to go on a journey to discover (re-discover?) my spirituality.

I say “re-discover,” because I wasn’t always this creature devoid of all beliefs who stands before you now. (Well, to be honest, I kinda was.) Cuz I definitely took on the role of whistleblower as a precocious elementary school kid, sitting in the corner of my Sunday School (CCD) class, watching my teacher with narrowed, suspicious eyes. Whenever my hand started to slowly raise from the corner, you could practically hear the teacher’s eyes start to roll backwards.

“What is it THIS TIME, Colleen?”

“I’ve got some issues with the concept of hell. You said God is omnipotent, so He knows everything that’s going to happen in advance, right? So He already knows if I’m going to end up in heaven or hell. Well, if He loves his children SO MUCH, then why would He even create those of us who He knows are going to end up burning in hell? Why even create Lucifer, if He already knew how the story would end?”

The Pink Project 2.0

 Let me bring us back to the topic at hand- (I got a little off track in my last post with my "state-of-the-fine-arts-in-colleges address.") So here we are- currently trying to nail down exactly what my BBL project is. 

“It sounds like you’ve already finished your Pink Project, so now what?”

Welp, that was a shocking statement. But it HAD been an astonishing emotional clearing session with the fabulous Dana Evans. (What is emotional clearing? That sounds like a great topic for another blog entry!) I had channeled Ivy, and I mean, I HAD CHANNELED IVY. It was similar to Whoopi Goldberg channeling Demi Moore in that famous scene from Ghost. (That scene is kind-of gross if you think about it. Patrick Swayze was actually getting hot and heavy with Whoopi’s gnarly red manicured fingers that whole time.) Now that I’ve given away my age with a “Ghost” reference (any other Xennials in the house!?) Let me bring you back to my conversation with Ivy.

Living Your Lottery Life

I'm in this high-end coaching program called the Bigger & Better Life Mastermind. BBL for short, but NOT Brazilian Butt Lift, lol (even though I desperately need one after dropping forty pounds in record time.) It's ten amazing women, and we've all come up with projects to do over the course of the next six months to rocket our lottery lives forward into the stratosphere of greatness. (What if every day could feel like you've won the lottery?) Unsurprisingly, it's with my life coach, Dorothy, and culminates in a retreat in Pensacola.

The Rose Quartz Challenge

Whoops! I realize I’m somewhat missing the “pink” component of my pink project. While I’ve been doing a good job of conversing and advancing my relationship with Ivy, I’ve completely forgotten to ask her- “does this feel pink?”

According to “the googles,” the color pink represents- femininity, sensitivity, tenderness, sweetness, softness, romance, innocence, playfulness, healing, charm, and calming. All good stuff that I’d love to cultivate more of in my life. Rose quartz is a healing crystal- known as a stone of “unconditional love.” It’s healing properties include- promoting mutual understanding, inspiring compassion, healing relationship problems, and emitting vibrations of love and joy. I think I have one of those stones around here somewhere. I should find it, cleanse it (leave it out in the sunshine or moonshine,) and then carry it around for a week and see how that goes for me. Another fun experiment to try.

Human Design 101

What is Human Design? Simply put, it’s a fun tool for self-discovery and growth. (Which is what this entire journey is about, right?) To get research-y about it; it’s a system (that was developed in 1987, so why am I just hearing about it now!?) that combines elements of several different disciplines; including astrology, the I Ching, the Kabbalah, the Chakra system, and quantum physics. So if you want to get “woo” with me, and see if the concept of Human Design can help you navigate your life more effectively, click here and see what your human design type is!

I’m a 1/4 (the omniscient teacher) Manifesting Generator. I have a sacral authority (which we’ve discussed a million times already, because that means I make decisions from the gut (from Ivy) rather than emotionally, or by waiting, or by talking it through with other people. (Now I’m just going to throw a bunch of terminology at you.)

Hi, My Name is "Ivy."

After my weeklong experiment of asking Ivy to provide guidance in making one decision per day, I came to the conclusion that I don’t actually need to ask Ivy anything, because she's already there. She’s been present in my gut all along- guiding my snap decisions as I use my sacral authority. And if I do encounter mind drama; (which I did on the last day of the exercise,) the best resolution is to have a conversation with her- (which went a little something like this:)

Me: “Ivy- (that’s what she told me to call her, now that we’re on a first name basis.) I’m struggling to decide if I should use my FMLA and call in for this trip I’ve been assigned. Max won’t be able to take Lyra to her therapy appointment on Tuesday.”

Start with One Simple Thing...

My first assignment was to spend a week making at least one decision per day by using my inner voice (iv.) The first day didn’t go well- as in- I arrived at the end of the day feeling as if there just hadn’t been any decisions for me TO make… But that couldn’t possibly be true, could it? Weren’t we faced with millions of choices as human beings every single day?

So I conferred with my life coach and she told me to ask my iv to pick out which mug I was going to drink my coffee out of the following morning. (Well, the joke’s on her, because I don’t drink caffeine!) But her point stands, that my day is made up of hundreds of micro-decisions that I’m not even paying attention to. I have a tendency to make snap, gut decisions (they happen so quickly I don’t even realize I’m making them.) This is actually pretty on brand for me because sacral is my authority in my human design chart. (No idea what that last sentence meant? Don’t worry- I’ll do a blog post on human design in a hot minute.)

What is the Year of Pink?

It all started with hiring a life coach. I never thought I would indulge myself in such a frivolous manner; it seemed financially irresponsible, and slightly embarrassing to boot. And I still haven’t brought up the price tag of this six-month program with my husband, lest he lecture me about “tightening our belts during economic uncertainties ahead.” Ah well- his money is his, and mine is mine.

And yet- AND YET, the project is just beginning, but working with this life coach has already kicked off the greatest year of self-improvement of my life, so I’ve taken to this blog to record it.

For what audience? Unclear- I have no idea at this point if I’m even going to hit publish. (Obviously if you’re reading this, I did, indeed, decide to hit publish.) Perhaps I’ll just keep polishing entries like tumbled gem stones, only to determine they’ve never become smooth enough for publication into the wider world. Instead, I’ll just keep it all for myself, like a dragon hoarding her treasure; these recollections of my journey.