Attachment Theory

Let me first start out by saying that I love attachment theory! I believe that learning about this (somewhat) new science, and understanding my attachment style (and my husband's) has been a complete game changer. It also provided me with insight as to why my previous relationships didn't work out, why I wasn't compatible with certain partners, and what I could've done better. If you, like me, happen to not be the "ideal type" (aka secure,) it's okay! You can change your type! I went from being anxiously attached to securely attached, just by being with the right partner (a partner that was secure, and patient with me, and helped to move me in that direction.) Will I always have some anxious tendencies that can be triggered? Probably- as these are ingrained in us from childhood; how we were raised, and aren't our fault. BUT through awareness and diligent work, you CAN change your attachment style (which generally takes an average of four years to do.)

What the am I talking about in the first place? What's an attachment style!? Attachment theory examines the bonds we form with caregivers in early life, and how these bonds influence our relational patterns as adults (so it makes sense that both of my brothers are also anxious attachers.) Humans are biologically wired to seek closeness and security from a primary caregiver, especially during times of stress or fear. This early attachment lays the groundwork for future relationships.

There was a famous "strange situation" experiment done (Ainsworth and Bowlby are the psychologists credited as the founders of attachment theory) in which infants reacted to their caregivers leaving and returning- leading to the identification of the three primary attachment styles- secure, anxious, and avoidant (sometimes called dismissive avoidant.) There's a fourth style called disorganized, (sometimes called fearful avoidant) which is basically a combo of anxious and avoidant.

The Four Attachment Styles

    Secure Attachment

• Characteristics: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel confident in their relationships. They trust others, communicate effectively, and are comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
• Origins: Secure attachment typically develops when caregivers are responsive, consistent, and nurturing.
• In Relationships: Securely attached individuals can set healthy boundaries, resolve conflicts constructively, and provide emotional support to their partners.

    Anxious Attachment

• Characteristics: People with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance from their partners. They may appear clingy or overly dependent.
• Origins: This style often arises when caregivers are inconsistent- sometimes attentive and other times unavailable.
• In Relationships: Anxious individuals may struggle with self-doubt and become preoccupied with their partner's actions, leading to cycles of insecurity and neediness.

    Avoidant Attachment

• Characteristics: Avoidantly attached individuals prioritize independence and self-reliance, often avoiding emotional closeness or vulnerability.
• Origins: This style tends to develop when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive.
• In Relationships: Avoidant individuals may struggle to express their feelings or fully engage in intimacy, often keeping their partners at arm's length.

    Disorganized Attachment

• Characteristics: This style is marked by a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often leading to confusion and fear in relationships. These individuals may crave connection but simultaneously fear it.
• Origins: Disorganized attachment is commonly linked to trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving.
• In Relationships: This style can result in erratic or unpredictable behaviors, making it challenging to maintain stable connections.

Why Attachment Styles Matter

Your attachment style acts like a blueprint for how you approach relationships. While these patterns can feel ingrained, they are not fixed. By recognizing your attachment style and understanding its origins, you can work towards healthier interactions.

For example:

• If you have anxious attachment, practicing self-soothing techniques and building self-confidence can reduce dependency on others for validation.
• If you identify with avoidant attachment, learning to embrace vulnerability and express emotions can strengthen your relationships.
• If you have disorganized attachment, therapy or support groups can help you process past traumas and build more stable connections.

My personal recommendation is finding yourself a patient, secure partner- because you can learn a lot from them. Dysfunction plus dysfunction can be very triggering. Poor Avoidants tend to be cast as the villains of the dating world (I didn't say they are! I said "cast as.") These are generalizations- but imagine someone who gets the ick easily and ghosts, not always physically, but also within the relationship; making it a very hot and cold affair. An avoidant person paired with an anxious person is the worst possible combo (some experts say it's an Avoidant with a Disorganized, but that's basically the same thing.) Having personally experienced it; it IS very painful as an Anxious who intensely craves intimacy, for it to be continuously withdrawn. And it creates this terrible run and chase dynamic, and y'all already know your girl is NOT trying to be the hunter.

I've also tried out Anxious plus Anxious; which is almost equally terrible. If anxious attachers are described as waves, and Avoidants as islands; the drama of two waves crashing into each other is A LOT. Anxious partners CAN be very loving, passionate, and sensitive to your needs and emotions -(listen- we're not the worst partners) but we CAN be challenging, because we're also dramatic, needy, little bitches. Imagine us as the stage 5 cling-ons of the dating world.

Avoidant plus Avoidant isn't a terrible combo, if you want to slowly drift apart, and realize you've wasted all of your good years on the other person. Avoidants are so conflict avoidant (hence the word avoidant!) They struggle to communicate or resolve any issues. This is fine at first, when there are none, but eventually all relationships face hurdles, and the resentment begins to build up. They're actually pretty satisfied in the beginning- after all, they have plenty of space, and no emotional demands being put on them- it's amazing! But this is exactly the problem. With no foundation of shared emotional intimacy- eventually all facades of intimacy (of any type) crumble. And no one wants to break up with anyone else, so they just co-exist in misery for YEARS- decades, even. So maybe this combo isn't so great after all.

It's a good thing half of the population is secure! But you're not wrong if you're lamenting- "where are the good ones!? They're all taken!" Survey says as we get older, the securely attached tend to settle down into partnerships while Avoidants are the type most commonly recycled back into the dating pool (which makes total sense if you think about it- obviously the good ones are in healthy relationships, and the ghosters are out ghosting.) Ouch, that's a real hope killer. But don't worry- the population of this world is destructively enormous- and only getting bigger. He's out there somewhere! Besides, 2050 (when climate change becomes irreversible) will be here before we know it, and you don't want to bring children into that equation anyway.

More good news! We love to change a man. And attachment styles are not destiny. Through self-awareness, therapy, and intentional effort, it's possible to shift towards a more secure attachment style. Key steps include:

1. Reflecting on your patterns: Journaling or talking with a trusted friend or therapist can help you identify behavior rooted in your attachment style.
2. Improving communication: Practice expressing your needs and listening to others without judgement or defensiveness.
3. Building trust: Start small, gradually allowing yourself to rely on others and experience mutual support.

Remember how I mentioned that I was obsessed with psychology (back in good ol' Psych 101 with Doc Chambers?) Well, I like to independently research fun topics like this in my spare time, cuz it's an interesting hobby of mine- both psychology and epidemiology (listen- I predicted that pandemic before it happened.) Anyway, I got this information from a couple of books I want to refer you to, because I found them so cool and helpful. And shout out to the pop psychologists on Tik Tok. I know y'all are speaking truth, ha ha.

While I did a TON of therapy to change my attachment style, I would be remiss not to emphasize that the biggest trigger is my choice in partners. If I was back with an avoidant, I have no doubt that all of my anxious tendencies would be triggered again. So if you're single, the best thing you can do is work on finding someone who's secure and become that someone yourself. In fact, that would be a GREAT first date question- "what's your attachment style?" And if they say avoidant- RUN! J/k- (or am I?)