I met my first gay crush at dance camp, so that should've been a dead giveaway; BUT I was in eighth grade, and it was 1994, so give me a break, okay? I burned him a cassette tape of the complete cast recording of Phantom of the Opera (NOT just the highlights, y'all, the entire show.) And I even mutilated the CD jacket just to make him a fancy tape cover, because that's how much I liked him. We would talk on the phone for hours, and he took me on this date which involved getting donuts at Foodland, AND going to McDonalds- (because there just wasn't that much to do when you were fourteen years old, and walking around downtown Juneau, AK.) I mean- I thought it was a date, anyway...
But things got weird when it came to the kiss-at-the-end part. That was the problem with all of these gay guys I would go on to date; things always got weird when it came to the kissing at the end. That's when they would awkwardly dodge, stumble away, and inevitably, a break-up would ensue. (And THIS is where that self-confidence began to erode.)
No breakup was necessary with guy #1, though, because he moved onto high school (9th grade), while I stayed in 8th grade. There WAS drama however, when reports of him slow dancing at the weekender with my friend Kelly made it back to my ears, (ruefully whispered to me by our mutual friend, Nikki.) HOW DARE SHE!? I was seething- this was a blatant violation of "girl code." But when I finally made it to high school myself- I, too, got my turn slow dancing with him. I danced with him more than once, as a matter of fact. Hell- he slow danced with all of us. He was a regular, slow dancing king. I HAD met him at dance camp, after all. And that, was the full extent of our relationship. (Excepting that one time when I got to hold his hand at the flag pole. Yep- he's THAT guy.)
I don't know at what point in his life he decided to come out- if it was during his university years, or later. But I've hung out with him post-college, and he sings in the Seattle Gay Men's Chorus now. He's certainly the gayest of my conquests from back in those days. I'm not sure how none of us saw it in high school, but he seems to be thriving. He's gone on to bigger and better things since Fine Arts Camp, and I absolutely wish him the best.
Nevertheless, he started what became somewhat of a toxic trend for me- crushing on gay boys, and in turn, getting my soul crushed, just a little bit more every time they shied away when things became physical. "Is it me?" I would wonder. "What's wrong with me? It must be my body, or something about the way I look. Why don't they just LIKE me!?"
Gay crush #2 was the RA on the sixth floor. This one was a doozy, and dragged on for a couple of years. I have a bad habit of falling in love with my friends. And it's all because I'm attracted to personality more than looks. I love funny guys in particular. If you make me laugh, I'm yours. It's even better if I can make YOU laugh. I'm a best friend girl- the Joey to your Dawson. But I'm also NOT a girl who makes the first move. As I've mentioned before- I don't believe in chasing. See the conundrum? It's a perpetual friend-zone situation. And then I'm in a bind- because now we're besties, and we're spending every waking moment together. I'm pouring all of this effort into you, and learning everything about you, because I'm interested in you as a person. It feels good to you. But it's also because I'M INTERESTED in you... Maybe even secretly in love with you. (Is it really that secret, though? Because I feel like it's pretty obvious...)
When you're a closeted gay man, though, maybe it's not obvious. Or maybe it's more convenient to just ignore my feelings, because you're reaping the benefits of my amazing friendship. Or maybe ALL men are just completely oblivious creatures. Whatever the case- Crush #2 and I did end up eventually having a reckoning, that led to a big fight about it, that we still haven't quite recovered from.
Gay Crush #3 was short and sweet. I followed crush #2 down the path of becoming an RA, so there I was at Leadership Camp, and I had my eye on a cute guy (who was another voice major, so hello! Major tip off! Although I didn't actually know he was in my department at that time.) We were playing Truth or Dare- and I told my friend, Amanda, to dare him to kiss me. Obviously he picked Truth. So instead she asked him, "if he could kiss anyone, who would he kiss?" (She should've said "in this room,") but it didn't end up mattering anyway- because responded- "Duh! My boyfriend, David!" And with that, another one bit the dust. But thankfully, this one went down the easiest, because he was the only man (of the five) that was actually OUT already, so that crush only lasted two seconds. Phew.
Gay Crush #4 is still ongoing (just kidding, y'all, I'm married.) I'm only saying that because he remains my best friend to this very day. I met him in Vienna, while I was studying abroad junior year, and it was just a repetition of gay crush #2. He was another music major- (but he was piano and I was voice- so that was a slightly safer bet, right?) When it came to guy #2, our mutual interests revolved around our love for Dolly Parton and Angela Lansbury, (so I should've known better,) but guy #4 was more difficult to suss out. Coming from a Catholic, military background- he remains in the closet to his family presently. So he's much more subtle with his mannerisms, one could say. And there have been confusing moments in our friendship, in which he was struggling to figure out and define his own sexuality.
For example, he confessed to me that he bought condoms for my visit to Chicago to see him (but then found out that I was with the Cage Fighter, so nothing ever happened.) At a point much later in time, I invited him to try a threesome with a bi-curious partner of mine and me, (if he was interested) and he was adamant that he loved me, but "not in that way." Unlike the condoms, which I'm pretty sure were a last-ditch attempt to try and force himself to live the straight life he so desperately desired, he had now accepted that he was gay.
I've seen this friend date men, (well, a man, once.) But he's very compartmentalized about his life, his friends, and his affairs. He's only out to certain communities of people- which works for him, because of the nature of his job; (he works for the military- so he lives for a few years in different places at a time.) He's not on social media, and he has a big fear of "worlds colliding," (for obvious reasons.) It has to be a hard way to live, with one foot in and the other foot out the door. It was a hard way for me to live; for years, never really completely understanding where he fell on the Kinsey scale, and how it pertained to my role in his life. I was always holding onto a breadcrumb of hope- that maybe someday, we could actually be something- and have a life together.
But we're still best friends. And normally that wouldn't work for me. I'm not the type to stay friends with my exes, (or ex-I-was-in-love-with-you-for-years,) because where matters of the heart have been involved, it's just too painful, and there's too much baggage. But this is different- this friendship has depth, and layers, that have stood the test of time. It's been nearly twenty-five years, and at this point, I've moved on, met my husband, gotten married, had kids, etc. He gave a speech at my wedding (and sobbed through it,) and he's close to my entire family. Even when we don't talk for awhile because he lives on an entirely different continent, I know he'll always be my best friend.
Anyway- Mr. Partially-Out-of-the-Closet brings me to #5, Mr. Still-Not-Out-of-the-Closet. So how do I know this final guy is gay? I just know. He was another fellow voice major (so red flag right there.) We dated senior year, and things were going nowhere fast because he just wouldn't get to the kissing part. We awkwardly drifted apart, until he decided to re-ignite things the following semester, and asked me out again. (Why, though?) After he spent an hour in my bed, where things didn't progress beyond me rubbing his nipple (just one of them)- he ghosted me. Cuz that's what they do, when things get physical- they get weird. He also has a long list of female best friends (girls juuuuuuust like me- secretly pining to be something more. But I'm sorry, ladies, it's never going to happen for you, through no fault of your own.)
He's still single, in his 40s, living his best life as a choir director, in the closet, with his cadre of gal pals. I did hear that he slept with one of my friends back in college, but I never hear about him having any sort of relationships these days. I hope he figures his shit out, I don't begrudge anyone their journey, but it can be hard to find yourself in the position of collateral damage. I'm sure it contributed a piece to my eating disorder, as it added to feelings of insecurity about my body, and myself. It felt like rejection by a thousand paper cuts, trauma with a lower case t. But it's also not fair to attribute that to anyone specifically, but to my own self. Because I'm the one who chose to take on those feelings and experiences personally.
As I write this, I can think of at least one more gay crush from the music department, but we're just going to leave it at 5- as the magic number. And I suppose (since I brought it up) I should write more about my (former- I'm recovered) eating disorder at another time. We'll see if I feel like it, it's a pretty heavy topic. THIS post was not intended to be heavy, I swear- when I tell this story- it's funny, not fucked-up and sad. The extended nipple rubbing, Angela Lansbury, my complete and utter obliviousness... It's got great romcom potential, I promise!
No comments:
Post a Comment