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So the real question is- what happened to all of us!? Well, we're either doctors or burned-out disappointments, there's no in-between. When did things go awry? (Not that there's anything wrong with a career as a flight attendant- it's a perfectly respectable job that merely requires a high school diploma.) But when exactly did my big brain just shrivel up and die- never to accomplish any of the great tasks expected of me? My third grade teacher told my mom I was going to graduate as valedictorian (and that didn't happen- so this shit was already going awry by high school, clearly.) My friends who signed my high school yearbook expected to "see me performing on Broadway."
Things actually started to go awry for me fairly early on, I believe, because I never learned how to learn (if that makes sense.) Math became difficult around sixth grade, with multiplying and dividing decimals and fractions. I still spent the rest of my math career a year ahead, in the advanced class, but I didn't have a damn clue what was going on. I never used to pay attention in math class, because it was so easy, and came to me naturally. Throughout elementary school, I did the entire worksheet while the teacher was explaining the lesson, so I wouldn't have to do any homework later. When I needed to actually pay attention to the teacher in later grades, I just didn't know how. So I got by with a little help from my friends. (Ahem, cheating is just another word for efficient.)
I can see the hangman's noose beginning to descend upon my daughter, Kofi. On her kindergarten aptitude tests, she scored in the 99th percentile and qualified for the GT school. We are opting not to go, and stay at her Spanish immersion school with Lyra instead, as I think that gives her enough of an additional challenge. But unfortunately, she already knows she's smart. Not because I tell her- no sir- I'm making a point to NOT tell her she's smart, and only praise her effort and hard work. But she still gets told all the time- when she beats the fifth graders in chess club, or by well-meaning teachers and relatives. "Kofi, you're so clever..." But here's the thing- she was 5 when she got those test scores. What are they really testing her on when she's 5- like- shapes? I also got scores like that when I was 5, and they certainly weren't a predictor that I would go on to do great things, like everyone thought I would. There's still plenty of life to derail Kofi's journey, and she's definitely got some challenges ahead for her (she's ADHD and trans, to begin with.)
Look, I'm not saying that I don't think my child is going to succeed in life, because of course she will! She's an AMAZING kid. But my measure of success is- is my child happy? Are they a kind person that makes good choices? What I'm saying is- that I already see how much Kofi struggles with criticism, and how desperate she is for praise, and it worries me. I don't want her following me down that dark pathway of the dangerous fixed mindset...
I've been trying with both of my kids to praise effort, and not accomplishments. I really want to instill a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. Because for me, growing up with that fixed mindset created a perfectionist with a paralyzing fear of failure. The weight of those expectations meant that if I wasn't good at something immediately, I just wouldn't do it. This is common for GT kids- to suffer from underdeveloped coping skills- which happens when gifted children are used to succeeding without much effort- therefore they don't develop strong study habits or coping mechanisms for challenges.
I was having a heart-to-heart with my other daughter, Lyra, (the older, autistic one) who was lamenting "being stupid" in school the other day. I told her, frankly, how much better off she is than I ever was- because through her struggle; she is learning how to learn, how to work hard, and how to embrace challenges. Besides, it's the journey that counts. I don't care about her grades- I care about how hard she tries, how much effort she's expending, the amount of fun she's having, and that she enjoys the actual process of learning.
Obviously Lyra's issues with being autistic and school are an entirely different kettle of fish- and Lyra has her own struggles with "doing hard things" where she would just rather NOT, and take the path of least resistance- (but wouldn't we all?) What is impressive to note about Lyra, though, is that even if it takes her longer to learn a skill than her peers- when she learns it- she REALLY learns it. So unlike me, Lyra's struggles have ensured that she KNOWS how to learn. Take learning how to pump her legs on the swing, for example. For years she sat on the swing at recess and the other kids had to push her. But when she figured it out, she level set with her peers.
In many ways- I think struggling when you're younger can be an advantage in the long run- because for those of us who experienced such an intense pressure to succeed in school, we were left with feelings of inadequacy and anxiety in adulthood. We learned to tie our self-worth to our achievements, which can (obviously) be detrimental to mental health during times of challenges or setbacks. There's also the burnout cycle to contend with (something I'm VERY familiar with) which comes from the the need to always be performing at a high level, so you're never letting anyone down.
At the end of the day- I guess what I'm trying to say is- fuck this gifted and talented bullshit. Or at least- fuck that fixed mindset bullshit. And fuck other people's expectations. You don't need that kind of pressure in your life. Do what makes YOU happy (and if that's being a flight attendant- be a flight attendant! You don't have to be a doctor, like Doogie, or even a Broadway performer.) Live your BBL, Boo! You do YOU!
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