In my last post, y'all indulged my lengthy explanation about my eating disorder, so now I'll give you another lengthy explanation about my other diagnoses. I'm just going to lay it all out on the table for you- the parts I agree with, the parts I don't agree with, and whether I think labels are helpful or not.
The thought process behind one of my first diagnoses, (depression;) was that it stemmed from my teenage years- with my father passing away when I was just fifteen. (I feel like such a cliche, cuz doesn't it always starts with a depression that begins when you're a teenager?) In my case, it originated from a very specific trauma, which probably also falls into the cliche category- (childhood trauma.) ANYWAY- he died of a massive heart attack just two days before my sweet sixteen. (Birthdays have never been the same since.) Because my other siblings were older than me, (my sister was on her way out the door- she was leaving a few months later for a summer internship prior to her freshman year of college.) I was the only one left in the house, alone with my mother.
For the next two years afterwards, until I finally attended university myself; it was just me and my grieving mother. And honestly- this time has probably forever strained our relationship. Everyone grieves differently, and my mother was very demonstrative in her grief, (which is fine.) But this didn't leave a lot of room for my own grief. And because I was a bratty teenager, I remember being mortified when she would break down in front of the grocery store clerk, crying that her husband had passed. (What can I say? I was a TEEN.)
My reaction was to go in the completely opposite direction. I was determined to make everyone around me feel comfortable and at ease. I recall a conversation I had with the cops when they arrived at my door to inform me that my dad was dead (I was at home by myself at the time,) in which I was very empathetic about how tough it must be for THEM to have to deliver such bad news. And I was exceptionally worried about how my friends would react; because what would I have said, as a sixteen-year-old, if my friend's parent had suddenly died? Awkward... And I certainly didn't want anyone to feel awkward. So I didn't talk about it. I put everyone else's feelings above my own- and thus began what I shall refer to as my education in "smoothing over social situations." I'm convinced this is something all women go through- a social conditioning process in which we learn to "go along to get along." To make other people feel comfortable at your own expense, not to make waves, to take up less space, (and in some unfortunate circumstances, this can also look like, "not to say no.") I became extremely adept at "smoothing the edges of a rough situation" at a young age, and navigating these social situations (or NOT navigating them- adept at avoidance.)
Anyway, my depression is categorized as this low-level, systemic depression that's always present, simmering away in the background (unlike manic depression, I suppose, which knocks you out in giant waves.) Suffice to say- I'm not suicidal, and I've never been suicidal. In fact- like I mentioned before- I had always considered myself happy (before therapy- when I was living the unexamined life, ha ha.)
At the same time as I was diagnosed with depression, I was also diagnosed with BED (binge eating disorder,) and OCD, (obsessive compulsive disorder.) The OCD doesn't present for me in a typical way- with washing my hands compulsively, checking locks, counting things, or turning light switches on and off multiple times. But I do have black-and-white thinking, getting stuck in thought spirals, ruminating, perfectionistic tendencies, and using echolalia. That onset in my teenage years as well. An example would be how I used to always see "math problems on the clock," where I would need to come up with a combination for the numbers presented that made sense to me. 2:24 is an obvious one. 2+2=4. But 6:38 is a trickier one. 6/3=2, 2x4=8, 3 is half of 6, and 4 is half of 8. I was obsessed with "fresh starts," like the beginning of the school year, or New Year's Day, and I wanted to be perfect. Similar to the thought process of- "I'll start my diet tomorrow." I would think thoughts like- "at the top of the hour I'll start being perfect." Or "when I step over this line, I'll start being perfect."
When I was in college, I had some unorthodox study habits. I would read my entire textbook in one weekend (I wouldn't sleep much during that 48-hr period, because I was compelled to finish it.) Then when it was time to do assignments or exams, I would be able to quickly review what I had already read. I'm aware that this isn't the most effective way to absorb knowledge, in one gigantic hit- but it worked for me. I was still high achieving. I had a decent GPA. A 3.5 in high school, and 3.8 in college- but it certainly wasn't the easiest way to live; engaged in a cycle of frenzied activity followed by extreme burnout. Because of this type of behavior- there have been a couple different ideas for diagnoses floated my way- such as bipolar and ADHD... But the tricky thing about mental health diagnoses is there's a lot of crossover between similar disorders. (And yet, there are still important differences.) OCD, ADHD, SPD (sensory processing disorder) and autism (for example) can all present similarly, and are often co-morbid with each other, too, so how do you parse the differences?
After Kofi was diagnosed with ADHD, I got tested extensively for it, (because there's probably a genetic component to it that we assumed flowed through me.) However, it was determined that I don't have it- (so why was I having all of these symptoms that presented as if I did?) The testers decided it's because I have c-ptsd (little t.) PTSD with the big T is when you have one big trauma that you could be having flashbacks about- (like "the war," or a car accident.) Little t is tougher to treat, though, because it's a cumulation of a lot of little things (like in my case- childhood neglect, a sexual assault, an abusive boyfriend, etc.) Symptoms that are associated with ADHD (like short-term memory problems) are also associated with c-ptsd. The most important test that I "passed" re: ADHD was one involving me pressing a clicker while squares flashed across the top or bottom of a computer screen for twenty minutes. I don't know exactly what they were testing for- but because my score was a positive number (I guess I have good reflexes?) rather than a negative number (which indicates ADHD) they determined I was definitely NOT ADHD.
So the final tally is- binge eating disorder (but recovered- so not anymore!), a low-level systemic depression, OCD, and c-ptsd (little t.) Bipolar has been thrown around a little bit lately from a couple of new therapists. The new therapists (well, it was a therapist and psychiatrist who were working together) who tossed out this new idea barely knew me, though. They ran through one questionnaire with me, and this diagnosis just personally doesn't resonate with me as well. For one thing- when I was taking the questionnaire and answering the questions about a "manic episode," what I was thinking about and describing was the very human experience of falling in love. (Has there ever been a time in your life when you couldn't eat or sleep?) I answered yes- and they jumped on that- saying that all it takes is one manic episode to be bipolar. But I think I just answered the question wrong, and it wasn't really a manic episode? But they said you can't answer the question wrong because the questionnaire is built taking that into consideration already.
Their idea was to scrap all of the old diagnoses in favor of this new, all-encompassing bipolar diagnosis. And I'm not going to lie- I don't like it. Is that because there's a stigma around being bipolar? No, I don't think that's it. I'm very forthcoming about my mental health. It's because the therapists who gave me my original diagnoses knew me really well, and were my favorite and best therapists I've ever had- plus I was with them for the longest amount of time (this was at the intensive outpatient eating disorder program.) I've been living with those diagnoses for a long time now, been successfully medicated for them, and had lots of other doctors agree with them. And I don't think it should be understated, how important it is that YOU (the patient) agree- that the symptoms fit you, and it's a diagnosis you're comfortable with. So to have a new psychologist and psychiatrist who don't know me at all- run through a questionnaire and come up with a completely new idea out of left field, just doesn't feel right in my bones.
Anyway, I'm not working with them anymore, because I think there's value in following your gut. Yes, doctors are experts, and I'm not. But I had a therapist once who wasn't interested in ANY of my diagnoses- he was like- "I don't use labels, I don't think pathologizing any of this is helpful." I liked that therapist, even though I didn't end up staying with him for very long because he couldn't show up to our appointments on time- ha ha. I HAVE found labels fairly helpful, though- especially for Lyra and Kofi, with autism and ADHD. It's what's enabled them to get IEPs at school. The autism diagnosis for Lyra, also helps her to understand why she's different from other kids (at least that's what the autistic adults say, that the diagnosis is helpful in knowing she's not weird, and there isn't something wrong with her, she just doesn't have a neurotypical brain.)
For that matter, neither do I. OCD is considered a neurodivergent brain. (Max was also diagnosed with OCD and medicated for it.) And as "gifted and talented" adults, we're both considered neurodivergent as well, so we're just a family of neurodivergents over here- trying our best to make it in a neurotypical world.
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