Evil Ex #1- He was my first kiss! And my big entrance into high school society. The deed was done at "the super party," (a party determined to top all others?) It was a somewhat memorable affair, as it took place outside, in front of an audience. It gave the illusion of privacy, but there WAS, in fact, a large window where many partygoers had gathered to watch, (unbeknownst to me, anyway,) and they erupted into cheers when the kiss was complete. It makes sense that the whole thing was public from the start- since it was plotted by the collective. "Colleen likes you, do you like her? You should ask her out at the super party!" This relationship was "so high school" in all of the ways- including that it only lasted two weeks, and it's demise came about when one of my frenemies decided to break us up by telling him she still liked him, (although she had no intention of actually getting back together with him.) I was, understandably, devastated. Ramona also dated Matthew Patel, the first evil ex on her list, for just under two weeks, (and they also only kissed- ha ha) so it works.
Evil Ex #2- A wildly inappropriate relationship, that oddly, no one seemed perturbed about, (again- was this because it was the 90s!?) was my short, two-month fling as a 16 yr-old with a 21 yr-old man. I met him doing a community theatre musical (so he was also an actor, like ex #2 in Ramona's line-up, Lucas Lee.) This one screams out DADDY ISSUES! because I got into this relationship mere moments after my father died. Where were the adults in the room? one might ask. Well, my mom was actually quite present, but she was busy- interrupting my phone call with him, mid break-up, to inform him that I was NOT in fact breaking up with him, (because she wanted to keep him around to do the yard work.) Talk about your teenage humiliation. This one is the shot heard the therapy world.
Evil Ex #3- This is the golden ex, my senior-year-of-high-school boyfriend, my prom date, and my first true love. We also lost our virginity to each other (don't worry, it was beautiful!) so he gets special status. In the Scott Pilgrim universe, he is the equivalent of Todd Ingram, Ramona's third ex, who was awarded powerful psychic skills for being a vegan. Todd is one of the strongest exes in the line-up, and so too, is my high school boyfriend. He was the first boy to truly crush my soul, when he ditched ME, his hot college girlfriend, (he was a year younger,) for a high school sophomore. And to add insult to injury, her name was SLIM. Yes, we tried to make long-distance work after I went away to college, and yes, it was a silly mistake. We were together for a year.
Evil Ex #4- HOWEVER- the largest heartbreak I would ever come to endure belongs to the next guy- in the form of a situationship- of the variety that shatters your heart into a million pieces. It was a long-distance summer fling. (You would think I would've learned my lesson about the long-distance, but nope.) He wrote me letters. He was in the military; at war in Iraq- and I found all of this to be terribly romantic. In hindsight, I realize I had some serious rose-colored blinders on. He had PTSD, and he consistently overpromised, and underdelivered. Turns out he didn't know the difference between limerence and love. So I was left standing out there- on a ledge, all alone. At the end of the summer, he decided not to commit. For some reason, it hurt the most, despite it being a big, fat, nothing burger. Like this one, Ramona started out as friends first (roommates) before getting into a relationship with Roxie (ex #4). She's remarkable for being the only female in the line-up (and a badass ninja,) but she's also the most bitter of the exes, so that probably works, too.
Evil Ex #5- And at last, here's the reason for this post! June is my Judaism month, and I promised I would explain in greater detail the ex who was an Orthodox Jew, but moonlighted as an MMA cage fighter. I think it's pretty self-explanatory that we were only together for a couple of months during college- seeing how he was a decade older than me, divorced, and had three kids- but more importantly, I was his dirty little shiksa secret. He sparked my original interest in Judaism, and worked as a mashgiach for his day job. We could only eat at the kosher pizza shop, but we could also go to bars, where he would carry around his brass knuckles and warn me to go out the side door if things go dicey, but I guess that's what happens when you meet your boyfriend at a strip club. He gets to be Kyle Katayanagi, one of the tech twins, (ex #5 although the twins are interchangeable.) One of the final bosses, but kind-of pushed to the background, which makes sense for this one.
Evil Ex #6- I think it's become clear that the college dating years weren't kind to me. They mostly consisted of a lot of awkward starts and stops with a series of gay guys (I'm not joking- 5 of them in a row, if you want to keep count.) But- since I was looking for love in the fine arts department, the joke's on me! This will do a number on your self-esteem, so it's not a surprise that my next relationship was emotionally abusive. It was also the longest relationship I've ever been in, not counting my husband. This is the ex who told me he would propose to me if I reached my ideal weight. He would also use an app (it was probably a website back then) to track my calories and yell at me for eating at Chipotle. (But do you know how many calories are in a tortilla there? It really IS a surprising amount.) I managed to flee this relationship by planning an exit strategy and moving from Vegas to D.C post knee surgery somewhat abruptly. He gets to be Ken Katayanagi (ex #6 the other tech twin,) which is a little underpowered for the negative impact this guy had on my life- BUT with the twins fighting together, that did put Scott at a significant disadvantage.
Evil Ex #7- At last we reach Gideon Graves! I think this ex would be excited to be the organizer of the league, because he's kind-of a nerd himself, and probably the only one here who even vaguely knows what I'm referring to. This one's embarrassing when I think back upon it (because of my behavior, he's a great guy.) I've done a lot of "work" (ahem- over a decade of therapy) since then, and read a lot of books on attachment theory, and I feel fairly confident that I can diagnose both him and myself as anxious attachers. And when you put two anxious attachers (aka two "waves") together, it can get pretty heavy; emotional, turbulent, dramatic, etc. And it DID. We broke up, and we got back together- like, four times in the space of our 1.5 yr relationship. It was even intense for the people around us witnessing it- (but you know what all of this passion creates, right? Use your imagination.) Ramona had a very complex relationship with Gideon.
Perusing the list of these exes- if there was a commonality that made them "evil," it's that they all made ME break up with THEM (with the exception of the first two on the list, who either blindsided me or were blindsided.) All of the other relationships had their issues and problems- and I believe these guys wanted to break up with me, but instead they chose to withdraw, and ghost me inside of the relationship. They did this until I couldn't take it anymore, and was forced to take matters into my own hands. Do better, men. Stop being such cowards. And if you actually didn't want to break up with me, then we surely were having a communication breakdown, because that's how I felt and was interpreting what was being said. Does this sound familiar, ladies? Mothers- teach your sons to either learn to communicate, or grow some balls.
Listen, I get it- this is not all on them. Apparently, I am a terrifying person. This is a ME problem. Well, thank god for my husband who is NOT scared of me, and managed to slay all of my evil exes. Not only that, but when I recently took one of those silly, online tests about what your attachment style is- I ACTUALLY GOT SECURE. I had taken one before and gotten anxious, which made sense in my opinion, not to mention that my brothers are also anxious- and this theory is based on your childhood and how you were raised, so it fits. But more on all of this in the next blog entry!
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