Outer Voice

This entire blog was originally (supposed to be) about "inner voice," so here's a post specifically about my outer voice. My voice teacher (the high school one with the good advice, not the abusive college one) gave me the opportunity to write this excerpt for her upcoming book, (am I a real writer, y'all?!) and I couldn't be more honored, so I'm posting what I wrote here as well- because it just ties in so perfectly with my blog. The prompt is about how voice lessons taught me to develop my actual voice (like, out in the world,) and how minority (women's) voices are often suppressed (or something like that.) I'm just going to write about some of my experiences honestly, and see what comes out.

Growing up, I loved to sing. Even better, I knew I COULD sing, because I got a lot of external validation. "You have a beautiful voice," they told me. (Ahh, external validation, that double-edged sword. I'm going to have to do a blog post just about that.) The problem with being told that- is all of a sudden, you start to pay attention to the voices around you- and you start to compare. You notice the beautiful ones, and you want your voice to sound like that. Because now you have expectations to fill, and you don't want to let anyone down! And you start to crave another hit of that sweet nectar- those compliments, that applause.

Attachment Theory

Let me first start out by saying that I love attachment theory! I believe that learning about this (somewhat) new science, and understanding my attachment style (and my husband's) has been a complete game changer. It also provided me with insight as to why my previous relationships didn't work out, why I wasn't compatible with certain partners, and what I could've done better. If you, like me, happen to not be the "ideal type" (aka secure,) it's okay! You can change your type! I went from being anxiously attached to securely attached, just by being with the right partner (a partner that was secure, and patient with me, and helped to move me in that direction.) Will I always have some anxious tendencies that can be triggered? Probably- as these are ingrained in us from childhood; how we were raised, and aren't our fault. BUT through awareness and diligent work, you CAN change your attachment style (which generally takes an average of four years to do.)

Colleen's League of Seven Evil Exes

I hope we all know this is a joke title- and a Scott Pilgrim reference. All of my exes are wonderful, lovely human beings; that taught me some hard lessons, without which, I would not be where I am today. And I take full responsibility for all of our break-ups, as the flawed human being that I am. Okay- enough of that bullshit- here's the tea. (No names, identities will be protected.)

Evil Ex #1- He was my first kiss! And my big entrance into high school society. The deed was done at "the super party," (a party determined to top all others?) It was a somewhat memorable affair, as it took place outside, in front of an audience. It gave the illusion of privacy, but there WAS, in fact, a large window where many partygoers had gathered to watch, (unbeknownst to me, anyway,) and they erupted into cheers when the kiss was complete. It makes sense that the whole thing was public from the start- since it was plotted by the collective. "Colleen likes you, do you like her? You should ask her out at the super party!" This relationship was "so high school" in all of the ways- including that it only lasted two weeks, and it's demise came about when one of my frenemies decided to break us up by telling him she still liked him, (although she had no intention of actually getting back together with him.) I was, understandably, devastated. Ramona also dated Matthew Patel, the first evil ex on her list, for just under two weeks, (and they also only kissed- ha ha) so it works.

How To Be Delulu

I briefly mentioned that I've been exploring a different modality every week. "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." You caught me! I don't actually know the definition of modality. But it's a fancy word, so I just keep saying it. I think it means an alternative healing method or technique? Regardless, the "modality" we're going to discover today is called "thought work."

Originated by Brooke Castillo, and The Life Coach School, (and inspired by what Byron Katie called "the work" in her 2003 book,"Loving What Is,") many coaches will charge you an arm and a leg for "the self coaching model," but luckily for you, my coach gives away tons of free content on her podcast! The model is based around the idea that all circumstances are neutral; but it's our thoughts about said circumstances that creates our feelings, which determines our actions, which creates the results we're seeing in our life. In short- if you don't like your life, or the way you feel about your life; change your thoughts about it. You have control over them.

Glimmers!

Y'all have heard of this concept of "glimmers," right? Honestly, it's kind-of new to me. (Have I been living under a rock?) Apparently, they've been around since 2018, (well, they've always been around, but the term was coined then, and the concept widely adopted.) They're the opposite of triggers. They're small moments that spark joy, which can help cue our nervous system to feel safe or calm. Experts say this mindset shift can make a positive impact on our mental health. The whole point of them is that they're tiny, micro moments of peace, instead of large, delight-filled productions. Because sometimes finding your bliss can be daunting. There are days when it's hard to be happy.

But if you train your brain to notice the mini moments; the beauty of the stars on a clear night, the position of your head as you bite into a taco, the way your kids have started to chase bunnies out of the garden beds to please your husband, the moment when you can't turn the car off until that awesome song finishes playing... (You catch my drift.) Once you start to notice them, it begets even more noticing... And if you really want to challenge yourself, you can try to make a point of not just noticing them, but remembering them throughout the day to record in a journal when you get home, and watch as your progress grows. Watch as your happiness, your observation skills, and your ability to slow down and smell the roses, grows.

Emotional Clearing Method

The term "emotional clearing" is fairly general, and I could be talking about any number of wonderful techniques to clear your emotions. Journaling, meditating, visualization, breath work, somatic therapy, etc. But when I talk about DOING emotional clearing, I'm specifically referring to what Dana Evans is teaching- which is the Emotional Clearing Method, aka ECM.

ECM is a combination of some of the above-mentioned practices, and focuses on creating a safe space for individuals to reconnect with their inner world, fostering deep emotional healing. (Dana literally describes getting comfortable and creating a "nest" to relax into. So it's a little different from traditional meditation, which sometimes utilizes rigid postures to keep you focused on your third eye or whatever.) It's described as a therapeutic approach that integrates mindfulness, somatic awareness, and energy work to resolve unresolved emotions. I would describe the actual process as a mixture of body scan meditation and guided visualization (if you can picture that- or perhaps that all sounded like a bunch of mumbo jumbo.) Maybe this explanation will help:

Bodhisattva

I may have mentioned that this month I was focusing on Buddhism, because (of all the religions) it interested me the most. I may also have mentioned that (per my project requirements, which I had set upon myself.) I was also required to read one book per religion each month.

Well, being my first month and all, I wanted to start small. (With a children's book I could buy at Target for 30% off, apparently.) "Big Panda and Tiny Dragon" by James Norbury (he has other books that I presume are equally as charming.) This book is a delight, and I highly recommend it! I recall reading "The Tao of Pooh," in high school, and would say this is comparable, except perhaps even easier, and more cute. It's the tale of two friends, following a winding path through the seasons of a year together. Their road often goes nowhere, they get lost a bunch, and they drink a lot of tea- but that's kind-of the point of Buddhism, isn't it? To never become so focused on the end result that you lose sight of the journey. To always be present in the moment (hence why meditation is such an important part of the practice.)

Let There Be Light!

To bring you up to speed to where I currently am religiously, I consider myself Jewish. When I met my husband, he was Jewish. I was not Jewish then. Also, we both were/are Atheists. I had dated an Orthodox Jew (now THAT’S a wild tale for another post- mostly because he was also a cage fighter into MMA) towards the end of college, so it wasn’t anything unfamiliar. (Is it bad to admit that I’m actually leery of dating Christians?) I’m not trying to be religionist, if that's a thing you can be while dating. But I'm not sure if it is? Inclusion is necessary, but when you’re sussing out who you’re going to marry, you want to be sure you’re on the same page, in all of the ways. I think for me, it’s more about what Christianity has come to represent in America; it’s become this hateful, political, evangelical thing. And if I see a reference to Jesus Christ on your dating profile- it’s NEXT! (But that’s for another blog post, and maybe I’ll be proven wrong throughout the course of this project!)

In The Beginning...

So just to re-cap; there's now a new-and-improved pink project 2.0. I decided since Ivy and I were besties already, and since the spirituality section of my “wheel of my life,” had gotten the lowest score, (3/10), it obviously needed the most attention. And so it was time to go on a journey to discover (re-discover?) my spirituality.

I say “re-discover,” because I wasn’t always this creature devoid of all beliefs who stands before you now. (Well, to be honest, I kinda was.) Cuz I definitely took on the role of whistleblower as a precocious elementary school kid, sitting in the corner of my Sunday School (CCD) class, watching my teacher with narrowed, suspicious eyes. Whenever my hand started to slowly raise from the corner, you could practically hear the teacher’s eyes start to roll backwards.

“What is it THIS TIME, Colleen?”

“I’ve got some issues with the concept of hell. You said God is omnipotent, so He knows everything that’s going to happen in advance, right? So He already knows if I’m going to end up in heaven or hell. Well, if He loves his children SO MUCH, then why would He even create those of us who He knows are going to end up burning in hell? Why even create Lucifer, if He already knew how the story would end?”